


June 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [24]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-30
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-07 00:42:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark runs away to Metropolis with the red ring and Lex is declared dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	June 2005

01 June @ 10:37 pm

I've had so much time to think. I can wake up when I want. I can do whatever I want. I slept in until one today. I never realized how tired I was until this past week. Jonathan really worked me hard. He can't push me around anymore. I won't be another tool like his combine or that stupid tractor. If he'd just taken Lex's money, then maybe they wouldn't be in so much trouble.

That doesn't matter any more. They are my past, and it looks like Lex is too. He's still missing. I wake up every morning thinking I'll find him in bed beside me. When I realize he isn't there, I turn on the news to see if there are any new developments with the search, but there's nothing. He's gone. Bruce Wayne's millions haven't helped find him.

I miss him. If it hadn't been for my bastard of a father I could have talked to Lex, but all these ifs running around in my head are driving me insane. I want to crush everything in my path until the pain goes away. If only I'd stayed at the mansion that night. I should have ignored the voice in my head. Instead of wallowing in my own pathetic fears, I could have gone to talk to Lex about the room. Maybe if I had, Lex would be here right now with me.

In the news today, Lionel said he'd stop at nothing and will not give up hope that his son will be found alive. He didn't look very hopeful. There's something he's not telling the media, but that's not a shock. That rat is nothing but a liar.

I ran to both coasts today and screamed at the top of my lungs. I want to find Lex, but I don't know where to start. I screamed until my throat hurt, but all I got was nothing. 

Nobody I meet even comes close to the thrill I felt when I was with Lex. I could easily find a new girl or boy. They all look at me, dressed in my new clothes, and hunger to touch my body, but they're all unworthy. I hate this town. Maybe I'll leave it all behind.

 

02 June @ 03:17 pm

The city in the daytime is stifling. Today I walked around aimlessly until the scar started to burn. This time it happened right in the middle of downtown Metropolis in broad daylight. I don't know why I didn't put the ring back on right after I removed it. That me, the one who lived on the farm, wore the ugly flannel shirts, and acted like an idiot every time Lex looked my way? He's dead. I want to kill him for good. He's nothing but a whiny, complaining, moping, pathetic idiot who didn't know enough to come in from the cold. He let himself be ordered around by some sanctimonious humans. He hid in that town, behind shy looks and egoless demeanor. He let the world tell him how to run his life. He let Kent control him for way too long. Those days are over.

The real 'me' wants to be free. He wants Lex under him, over him, in him. He wants the world to part in his path. He wants the world to leave him alone. He wants to stop hiding behind the mask of a shy farm boy who never once bothered to question Jonathan Kent's word. 

Kal is the real me. He is who I want to be. 

This town is so boring. I want out. I want to be free. The voice in my head stopped after I destroyed the ship. Why am I still in Kansas?

I'm going for a ride on my bike.

@ 03:24 pm

Why did he leave me? He said we were forever. I have the ring on my necklace to prove it. I have his word, but he left me anyway.

 

03 June @ 08:26 pm

Friday. I woke up really, really, really late and loved every second of it. Then I jerked off because the dream I'd had about Lex was hot, and I was so hard! Then I took a long, hot bath, and then I went out to a coffee shop around the corner. This really cute boy hit on me, but I had to turn him down since I am taken. He gave me his number just in case.

Then I went out on my bike, but I didn't have anywhere to go so I came back here and watched some more QAF. I ordered in pizza and now I'm totally bored. I need to get out tonight. It's Friday and I looked up a few gay bars around the country. I think I'll check some of them out. The Xcalibur Club's happy hour lasts all day. Domestic long necks are cheap. Why does that sound sleazy?

 

04 June @ 04:07 pm

I ran to Gotham last night. I didn't use the front door to get into Wayne manor. I found an alternate entrance to the cave Bruce uses for his alter ego. Alfred was there when I arrived at the 'bat cave.' I think I scared him a little. Bruce was not happy to see me enter his little secret hideaway. I didn't really care. I needed to know what he was doing to find Lex. He seemed almost concerned about my own mental state. I told him I'd be fine. I am fine. I just want Lex found. I have to tell Lex that I don't hate him. I'm sure he thinks I do. I'm sure he flogged himself over the secrets he hid for so long. That is so like him, always so concerned he'll corrupt me. As if he could. That room shouldn't come between us. I hate him for doing it. I hate that he still investigated me even after I told him everything. I've never told anybody as much as I told him.

I hate him! I hate that he just can't leave things alone. I'm so pissed that he would do that. Why Lex? Why didn't you trust me? Where did you go in such a hurry? Were you trying to get away from me? Were you afraid I'd come after you and hurt you for lying to me? I bet the reason he's missing is because of me. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I destroyed the Kents, so why shouldn't Lex's disappearance be my fault?

Bruce is as clueless as the rest of them. He has no idea where Lex went or where Lex is. I thought for sure he'd have some idea, but it seems that even with all his resources, he's turning up as empty-handed as Lionel. I had to go see for myself.

Bruce will probably call the Kents now that he's talked to me. I shouldn't have gone there. He was so useless. I wanted to see what his reasons for looking for Lex were. I needed to know if it was because he wanted Lex for himself. They had this thing together. I can never touch what he meant to Lex, but so what? I can be as cool as Bruce. I'm the one Lex wants now, and Bruce is busy with his Dick. When Lex comes back, I'll strap him down to my bed and make him forget he ever knew Bruce Wayne.

Bruce has a nice place, and Dick has it good. I never realized how naughty his name could be. There are just so many jokes you could make. I like Dick: that was too easy. I can't stop laughing. I helped myself to Bruce's wallet when it was in his back pocket. He didn't even feel me move. I wanted to see if I could do it, and I was right, I could. I think I'm faster now.

After I talked to Bruce, I left his place to check out the Gotham nightlife. It was much more exciting there than Metropolis. I should shake things up. Metropolis is so dead compared to Gotham.

I should get me a costume and fight some bad guys. Batman was so cool to watch. He even has a sidekick. I had no idea how hot Dick really is. He looked good in his Robin getup and the mask is so cool. I watched them work for a while, but then it got boring so I moved on to some clubs. 

I wonder what Bruce would say if I did some crime fighting? 

I ran home late last night and took my bike out for a cruise. Edge's boys were out. They're such a bunch of losers. I totally loved the look on their faces when I stopped them from robbing that jewelry store. One of them shot me in the chest. The look on his face was priceless when he realized that the bullet bounced off me. I wore a ski mask so they wouldn't know who I was. It was so much fun. I loved the adrenaline rush as I threw them around like they were rag dolls. So the place got a little trashed, but nothing was taken and those guys are now sitting in prison where they belong. I totally kicked their asses. The police should thank me. I should get a superhero name. That would be so cool. Maybe it could be something like Batman's name. 

I'll come up with something. This is going to be so much fun. I can't wait to tell Lex that I'm going to be a superhero just like in his comic books. Lex would be proud.

 

05 June @ 10:01 pm

I went out to this popular club last night and sat and drank beers. I was hit on a lot, but I wasn't into anybody or being with anybody. It was kind of boring actually, but it was either go out or stay in all night to surf the net or watch yet another report about how Lex is still missing. It's still the lead story. Every time they call him the country's most eligible bachelor, I want to throw something at the television. 

I left the club at around one and walked around the city. It's so much nicer at night. I love how alive it becomes over the weekend. It's invigorating. I found a few other clubs and made some new friends, but nothing permanent and I did not let anybody grope me. This guy tried to touch the ring on my necklace, but I broke his fingers. I didn't mean to. He just pissed me off and I grabbed him a little too hard. Besides he was trying to rob me, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. I had to leave that club right after the incident, but I didn't care. There's no way I'm ever going back there.

I didn't get home until much later. I spent some time talking to this really nice hooker. We had a chance to talk about our respective life choices. She offered me a freebie but I said no thanks. After that some guy drove up so she had to get back to work.

I had the most relaxing day today. I woke up extra late, since I'd gone out the night before to a club. Today I spent most of my day out in the sun on the balcony. It was so nice to just drift off to sleep in the warmth. I did some more reading and a lot of lounging. I love it here. I'm never going back to that town again. This is where I belong and when Lex returns, everything will be perfect.

 

06 June @ 01:46 pm

The scar burned again this morning. I took the ring off, and then I called home. Mom answered the phone. I shouldn't have called. When I heard her voice, I broke down. I couldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, and when she asked who was there for the third time, I hung up. I miss her so much, but I can't go back there. I heard mom's voice and all I could think was how much she'd hate me, and I couldn't take that. I just couldn't live with her disappointment. It was hard enough hearing it from dad. His words haunt me every night. He was right. I didn't think about the consequences.

I hope Bruce doesn't hate me. The things I did when I went to see in him Gotham... I picked his pocket! I beat up in the jewelry store thieves. I think I broke one guy's arm. 

I went out without the ring on to get coffee and pick up a copy of the Daily Planet. Lex's story is now a small column on the third page. I'm going to put the ring back on again. At least with the ring, I can pretend none of this is happening. I try not to think about the fact that Lex might never come back. I try not to think about the fact that he might already be dead.

@ 02:46 pm

I had such a crappy morning that I decided to get myself some nice new toys. I ordered a few accessories from the net. The site said the wrist restraints are made of the strongest leather you can buy, and the leather choker I ordered looks awesome. They should arrive in a few days. I couldn't resist. I can't wait to try the choker on. The restraints aren't for me. I just thought they looked cool and I want to test how strong this leather is. I wonder: if I break them do you think the company would reimburse me?

I need some cash fast because the money I got from Bruce didn't last long. I know just where to get some. Edge is so obliging, and his men are so dumb. I'm glad they were released from prison. Now I can kick the crap out of them again.

I better get my ass in gear if I want to catch them in time.

 

07 June @ 10:46 pm

I'm going back to the same club tonight. I went out last night after acquiring some much needed funds, and this time the place I picked was just what I needed. It had everything I wanted. The best part was all the pretty boys. It was like a pretty-boy bomb had gone off. All those writhing bodies! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I sat and drank beers at the bar and watched people dance. I like to watch people dance. They're lost in their own worlds when they're up there on the floor. Two guys actually did it right there on the dance floor. They even managed to slip on a condom.

I went home alone and jerked off a few times, then passed out. I wish beer could make me forget Lex. 

In other news, I am very, very, very relaxed right now. Oh and the stuff I ordered arrived today. The choker looks awesome.

 

08 June @ 08:08 pm

Lex has been missing for two long agonizing weeks. He shouldn't have taken off. He never should have run from me.

 

09 June @ 11:28 am

I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. The dinner I had at the restaurant was only the beginning of the best night I've had in this town. I wore my nicest black dress-shirt with the choker hidden underneath, and black dress pants with this awesome belt I picked up for nothing. I looked presentable enough for that posh dive. I still got plenty of what-the-fuck looks, but I ignored them. I was too busy eyeing the gorgeous waiter that served me dinner. Or course I ordered the most expensive meal on the menu. I wanted to impress him. He was impressed. 

That was the best dinner I have had all week. I should eat out more often. The look on James' face when he saw the tip was just too adorable.

I whispered to him where I'd be later on. I was sure he'd follow me, and I was right. Around midnight I spotted him on the dance floor. He looked different than when he was at work. His beautiful blond hair was down instead of the slicked back look he'd worn at his job. He was wearing a tight pair of pants that showed off his ass, and a shirt that looked like it fit him when he was twelve. His blue eyes gleamed when he spotted me. I watched him gyrate on the dance floor. Other guys rubbed up against him, but he pushed them away. By the time he grabbed my hand and asked if we could go somewhere private, I was hard. 

We left on my motorcycle and came back to my place. I barely had the door locked when he got down on his knees like a good little boy and sucked me off until I came inside his pretty mouth. I yanked him back up to his feet and turned him around so his ass was pressed to my cock, and then I whispered dirty words into his ear as I jerked him off. He was so hot when he cried out as he came all over my hand.

He's in my bed just a few feet away. He's hot and naked and teasing me to come back to bed. We both need a shower and I really need another blowjob.

@ 08:06 pm

I spent all morning in heaven. James stayed long enough to give me another one of his awesome blowjobs while we were in the shower. After that we lazed around on the bed. For lunch we ordered in pizza, and then he had to go to work. It turns out he's also a photography student. He wants to bring his camera by some time to take pictures of me. It's safe to say he'll be back.

We didn't talk about much since our mouths were too preoccupied. He's really good at what he does, and he's got such a sweet bod, barely any hair on him, just that gorgeous head of white-blond hair on his head.

I deleted all the e-mail in my in box without looking at them. There was one there from Martha, but I didn't make it past "Sweetie".

For the rest of the day, I was out cruising around on my bike. I think I'll swing by and pick James up. I feel like dancing.

 

10 June @ 11:03 am

I should have read my mom's email, but I couldn't. It wasn't even that I had the ring on. I can't do it. I feel so lost. I tried so hard to stay true to Lex, but every day that goes by and he's not here, it gets harder and harder. I want to believe that he's not dead, but even with the ring, I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again.

I called home again. All I could do was cry when I heard mom's voice. She knew it was me on the phone. I hung up when she said my name. I can't go back there. In time they'll realize what I already know: that they are better off without me.

Last night I went out again with James. I watched him dance and we kissed in a corner. I think I broke that other guy's hand when he tried to touch James. 

I went home by myself this time because he had an early morning. He reminds me of Lex. The scar on my chest didn't bother him at all. I know that if Lex were here, he'd react the same way.

I shouldn't have let James touch me. Even when I wear the ring there's a part of me that feels so alone. Part of me feels like I deserve to be alone, but I don't want to be alone.

@ 03:05 pm

I'm such a whiner when I'm not wearing that ring. 

I never have to be alone. Not with my new friend. He sucked me off in a dark corner of the club last night and it was awesome. The rush I felt from being out in the open, knowing that anybody could see us. I have to do that again. I know James is up for it. I'm taking him to a different club tonight. We're going to have fun. That's what it's all about now.

 

11 June @ 11:02 pm

I went out last night and met James at the club I'd told him about. He wasn't that impressed because it was not exactly receptive to our type, but I didn't give a shit. They can fuck themselves if they think I'm going to hide who I am. I am a homo fag, and I love guys, and I fuck men! I didn't even have to punch anybody's lights out. They got the message as soon as I told them to fuck off when I overheard someone make a comment about how there are places for people like us. 

James and I enjoyed a nice night of dancing and making out. I watched while he danced, shaking his hot ass. He's so sweet. His lips are delicious. Unfortunately, he needed to be someplace early this morning so I had to go home alone. I was not thrilled with what I found when I got back to my place. Chloe showed up. I told her to get lost.

Besides, she couldn't stand the sight of me just a few weeks ago and now here she is, following me around. I was so annoyed by her intrusion that I called James, but he wasn't answering his cell phone, so I went back to the club to see if he was around. I didn't find him, but I stayed anyway and drank until they closed the bar.

I've been in bed all day. I didn't feel like getting up. Seeing Chloe really pissed me off. She better not tell anybody where I am. I can run so far away nobody would ever find me.

I don't feel like going out tonight. James just called. He's coming over and he's going to bring his camera. I told him I wasn't even dressed yet, which was fine by him since he'd be undressed five seconds after he arrived. I need company tonight. I feel like having fun, but not alone. That kind of fun gets tedious.

 

12 June @ 01:33 pm

James drifted off beside me, a very satisfied boy, but all I could think about was how much I miss Lex. I want him to be here with me. James is nice and he was great last night, but I don't love him. After he arrived and he stripped, I fucked him from behind. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Lex. I imaged that Lex was begging me to pound into him harder. The sex was fine. James was tight. He said he hasn't had many lovers, and none of them were as large as me. I'm sure he was just trying to flatter me so he'd get laid. I told him he didn't have to say things like that. I'd fuck him if he told me I had the smallest cock he'd ever seen, but honestly, I probably am the biggest he's ever had.

After we had sex, we sort of talked. I really wasn't in the mood, so I just told him that I'm an alien from outer space and my space ship landed in Kansas. It's the truth but he laughed and told me to stop kidding around, so I shut him up with my mouth. It's funny how much things have changed. I used to be so afraid of so many things. I used to hide. When I remember how shy I was when I first realized how I really felt about Lex, it makes me cringe, but I guess I was naive back then. My adopted parents sheltered me from the real world, especially Jonathan. He really doesn't want to share me with the rest of humanity. I always thought it was because he was protecting me, but if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have lied to Lex for so long. Sometimes I hate Jonathan Kent just as much as I hate Jor-El. They both failed me.

But that's all over now, and as long as Chloe keeps her big mouth shut, I'll be fine. I've already decided where I'll go if she tells somebody where I am. I'm going to head to Gotham first. Not that I have any friends there, but it's a town I know, so I can spend some time there until I feel like moving on.

I feel crappy this morning. I didn't think I'd feel this way. James is still asleep. He looks nice spread out on my bed, pale skin like milk. He's a lot like Lex now that I think of it. They have the same skin tone and even the same cocky attitude. That's probably why I was attracted to him. He looks hot naked. His hips are covered in bruises. I probably shouldn't have held on so tight when I pounded into him. He must be having a nice dream because his cock is hard. 

Maybe in time, I could love James, but I don't think it will ever be close to how I loved Lex.

 

13 June @ 11:28 pm

Screw you, Lex, for leaving. Screw you for abandoning me when we hadn't even had a chance to talk about your obsession. Screw you for still keeping the car even after I told you all my secrets. Screw you for collecting me when I gave you all of me. I gave you everything! I told you my deepest darkest secrets. So I never told you my real father wants me to rule the world, so I never told you those caves are all about me and I can read the language on the walls. Big deal! It doesn't mean you had to leave me.

I went to your home -- the other home in the city, hoping. I was hoping you were there. Part of me was convinced you were just hiding out from your father, or maybe the world and its expectations of you. My heart hurt to sit in that room, to look at your things, to remember when you promised to one day show me the world. My arms ache to just hold you one more time. Just once so I can smack you in the head and tell you to never leave me ever again, because if you are still out there, I am never going to let you out of my sight.

I wanted to smash everything in that place. I wanted to tear all your nice, clean, perfectly pressed suits to shreds. Instead, I sat in your closet alone, my world shattered around me.

Screw you, Lex. 

Now I wear your ring on my finger, just like you asked me to. I wear it because no matter what happens, I still love you and only you.

 

14 June @ 12:27 pm

It only hurt to see all his things and know that maybe they'll never be used by him again. After a very bruised and quiet James left my place over the weekend, I wandered aimlessly, in my mind and in my place. I didn't know what to do with myself. I feel so lost half the time, even when I wear the ring.

Now I have the other ring on -- the ring that Lex gave to me before everything went insane. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently, but there's no point pondering what might have been. It drives me insane.

I pulled the ring off today, because it hurt again. I hate this scar on my chest. It's just a horrible reminder of what my biological father wants from me. I hate him.

I stayed in Lex's penthouse for as long as I could stand it. I spent most of my time in the closet because I wanted to be close to his things, to him. I thought maybe I could feel him somehow, but they were only things. The shirts, pants, shoes, furniture are just objects that carried nothing of him, except an echo of what he likes. There was no scent of him. I slept in his bed and felt emptier than I have ever felt in my life. I held his pillow close to my cheek, but there was nothing there, all just things that mean nothing. I wanted to smash everything. I left feeling so much anger.

I need to put the ring back on. I hate this feeling of emptiness.

Fuck emptiness. I'm going out tonight and kicking some ass. There's somebody out there who really needs my boot in his face and I am going to oblige him.

Edge totally pissed me off with his stupid search for me. I can't believe he actually thinks he's going to find me, let alone catch me. I hear he wants to hire me. Fuck him! I work for nobody. 

I am going out tonight and I am going to make sure this town remembers me.

 

15 June @ 12:16 pm

I got all dressed up really nice: black on black, because I'm in mourning. I wore my necklace, and kick-ass shoes that were really hard to find because I have huge feet. When I say huge, I mean very, very big feet. We all know what that means. In my case, it's true.

On my way to the club, I ran into some of Edge's boys. They tried to tell me that their boss wants to meet me, but I told them where to go. After I finished giving them a careful warning never to come near my neighborhood again, I went to the club. Not much was happening there, but I did meet this nice girl. We sat, talked, and flirted and I bought her a few drinks. She wasn't a bad kisser, but I wasn't really into her, so I left to go pick up James. He had to work late last night and couldn't go out. He said he's going to teach me all the right moves. I don't really need the lessons, but who cares when he's rubbing up against me.

He just left a few minutes ago. We had a great time and he is an awesome kisser. I could stay in bed all day just kissing him. I can't keep my hands off him. He's so sexy. He licked me all over and it felt so damn good, especially when he sucked my cock. With his hands on my hips, holding me down, I could close my eyes and imagine it was somebody else's mouth down there, licking and sucking and teasing. I slipped up and cried out Lex's name when I came, but James didn't seem to mind.

 

16 June @ 02:07 pm

Dear Bank of Metropolis

Thank you so much for that big bag of cash. I know we didn't part on great terms, but I promise to spend the money wisely. I promise to buy a lot of nice things, like a new bike, since I drove that other one into your glass window. That was really neat how the glass shattered into a trillion pieces when I stopped in for a visit.

I also promise that men like Edge's gang will never bother you again. No wonder most people are afraid of clowns. They are kind of scary. Okay, maybe they aren't that scary. They looked silly to me.

I do have to tell you: you could have done a better job of keeping all those bullets away from me. It's a good thing I'm bulletproof, because otherwise I'd be all kinds of Swiss cheese, sort of like my leather jacket (see that's another nice thing I can buy with all that cash you gave me) and my t-shirt, and I guess I'll have to buy some new jeans. It's not like I can't afford them. How cool was it that I caught so many bullets with my hand? How cool was it that the ones I didn't catch bounced off me? 

Good thing the cops showed up to arrest those clowns who tried to rob you. That was so generous of them. When I blew up their car and they all dove for cover that was even more generous. How cool was it that they weren't looking when I disappeared, and how cool is it that I now have all this money to count? I was so bored this morning. Thank you so much for easing my boredom. That was so kind of you. Now I can take my boyfriend out in style.

I'm sending a thousand-dollar suit over to his place as we speak. 

So in case you didn't think I appreciated this generous donation you made to my well-hung man fund, just know that I am very grateful.

Yours truly,  
Kal

@ 10:01 pm

I guess forever doesn't last as long as I thought. So what if I smashed everything I own. I can buy new things tomorrow.

 

17 June @ 02:29 pm

It's not like you can see my face or anything, but there I am on the front page of the Daily Planet. 

_'Masked man robs bank.'_

I vanished with nothing but a ski mask left behind. No shit, officers. It says I did thousands of dollars in damage. Well, those other clowns were there first and they did some of that damage, and it's not my fault bullets bounce off me. Okay, maybe it is, but I never asked to be born bulletproof.

I decided not to replace all the shit I broke last night. I cleaned up the mess I made and went shopping this morning. I got a new laptop, some other equipment and a nice new leather jacket. The sales woman was very helpful and a total flirt. I pretended I was clueless. That was so much fun. I love watching girls try to flirt with me. When they get no reaction from me, they get this look in their eyes, sort of like they have heat vision. It's so funny. 

Then I had lunch at this really nice little place. I tipped the waiter a hundred bucks. I might as well spread my good fortune around. 

I called James to make sure he got the suit I sent. He was excited that we're going somewhere nice to eat. I told him to meet me at my place and we'll go from there. He actually told me that he misses me. I asked how his ass was doing and he said it could use a workout. I guess I know what I'm doing tonight.

@ 09:05 pm

James just arrived and he looks awesome in the 'suit' I sent over. I have to confess. It wasn't actually a suit. It was a pair of black patent leather bondage pants and a collar. I found this great store called Slash 'n Burn. They sell the coolest stuff.

He's too shy to wear just the pants and collar so he wore a black mesh t-shirt that shows off his tight abs. We're going out tonight to have some fun. There's this club and they're having a fetish night. James said it's a lot of fun, and he thinks I'll fit in. I'll be in my black matte vinyl pants and a black vinyl cop shirt. I'm also wearing the wrist cuffs and the collar and James is going to wear a leash. He looks good enough to eat.

 

18 June @ 08:33 pm

James and I ended up going out late last night because we kind of got distracted. I had a lot of fun, but most of the fun I had was off in a dark corner. We had sex in the club. I couldn't wait for us to get back to my place. James was very accommodating, turning his back to me and begging me to take him in the dark. We both lost ourselves in the moment and the music.

After some drinks and more fun, we came back to my place and passed out in my bed. James just left. It would have been a perfect weekend except he had to work tonight. Just before he left, he told me that he loves me. We've only known each other for a few weeks. I don't think he was too happy about the way I reacted. He looked totally pissed off when he left.

Oh, well.

I had to remove my ring earlier. That hurt a lot and it's totally starting to piss me off how much it hurts. I just put it right back on after the pain subsided.

Now it's time to order in.

 

21 June @ 10:31 am

Those guys really need to learn when to stay down. I went out last night to one of my favorite hangouts. I just wanted to drink a few beers and watch some dancing. I even did a little dancing myself. I love getting lost in the beat of the music. I can close my eyes and imagine he's there with me, watching me dance. He'd lick his beautiful scarred lip and eye me. I opened my eyes and, for a moment, I thought for sure that when I looked around, he'd be there in the crowd, his eyes fixed on my swaying body. He'd come up behind me and put his hands on my hips, our bodies pressed close, and whisper 'Angel' in my ear. 

But it didn't work out that way. When I opened my eyes to look around, he wasn't there. All I saw were strangers. 

Half way through my nice, relaxing night, this man came up to me and asked me to go with him. I told him I don't talk to strangers. Then he told me that Edge wanted to talk to me. Since I hadn't heard from him in a while, I thought he'd given up, but I guess not.

I didn't go with him. I told him to tell his boss to go fuck himself.

@ 11:11 am

I miss Lex so much. I miss the smell of his skin right after we've had sex. I miss the taste of his mouth on my tongue. I miss his strong hands on my hips. I want him to hold me down and suck my cock until I come so hard that I grab the headboard and crack it in half. 

I dream that I'm helpless under his touch. I dream that he's in me and I shout his name as he thrusts into me, biting my neck. I dream that his arms are around me, holding me up. I dream that he whispers 'I love you' as he grips my cock in his hand, stroking me until I come. 

Last night I jerked off and cried out his name. 

I miss him so much. Nobody has ever loved me the way he did. I know now that nobody ever will. He knew my secret and he still loved me. I would give anything to hear him call me Angel.

 

22 June @ 10:45 am

James came over last night. I was lounging around in my underwear. I still had to do laundry when there was a knock on my door. It was James. He looked tired. He'd been working long shifts for the last few days. He apologized for not coming over and not calling. He made it up to me. 

First we had some fun, and then we went out for ice cream. I have to say, I loved all the attention we got when I ate it straight out of his luscious mouth. People are such idiots. They acted like they've never seen two guys lock lips. We went back to my place and dressed up to go out to a club. He looked awesome in my collar and the wrist cuffs. 

It was the perfect night to go out dancing, because the hottest gay club in town was having their 'Pride Party' night. We danced all night, and I bought James enough beers to get him so drunk he could barely stand by the time we left. By the time we got back to my place, he was sober enough for an all night fuck-a-thon. I wore him out. He's still passed out in my bed naked, hard as a rock. He must be dreaming about me.

@ 11:19 am

I just threw James out. My chest started to burn just as I kissed him awake. I don't want him to see my freakishness. He doesn't mind the scar, but I'd never be able to explain what's happening or why. I did the only thing I could do: I threw him out, and told him not to come back. I took the ring off and as soon as I was out from under the grip of the red Kryptonite, the pain stopped.

I've destroyed everything in my life. There's no going back. Not to Smallville, not to my family, not to my friends, and especially not to Lex. Even if he were alive, he'd never take me back now. I cheated on Lex with James, and I know I'll ruin James' life. I can't believe he came back to me. Why did he do that? I treat him so badly. I hate myself so much. 

I have to stop this, but I can't.

@ 04:52 pm

Fucking cocksucker. Who the fuck does he think he is? Edge is five seconds away from me killing his sorry ass. He just waltzed right into my place, while I was trying to take a nap, and shot it up. His stupid goons tried to kill me. Lucky thing I'm invulnerable. The other stuff can be replaced. I refuse to work for that crazy old man. 

Dirty old man too, judging from the way he checked me out. Pervert! 

After I finished kicking the crap out of his goons, I told him to fuck off. I don't play well with others, and his hired help pissed me off. They did make a nice sound when I threw them across the room. 

This is way too easy. He even gave me his private number. 

You should be here. Why aren't you here? Fuck you for running away. Fuck you for taking off on me like that. If you'd just given me one chance... I could have explained about the ship and my fucking father who wants me to take over the world. I could have told you that I don't care about the room. I already had everything I wanted. 

Screw you, Lex. I still love you even if you're dead.

 

23 June @ 09:19 am

James returned late last night. He was worried about me. I admit that I shouldn't have freaked on him like that, but everything is cool now. He's fine. We're fine. He stayed the night.

He told me he loves me again. I didn't say anything. I just kissed him and told him to go to sleep. I feel so refreshed this morning. I just took a shower. James had to go home to change for work. Maybe I'll go out for a ride on my bike today. I feel like traveling.

 

24 June @ 12:05 pm

He's giving up. Lionel is giving up on searching for Lex. 

The search for you has been called off, and Lionel announced a memorial service for Monday. All my abilities and I couldn't help you. All my strength and it's for nothing. I had so much to say to you, but now it's too late.

I watched Lionel. He looked tired. I listened in to his conversations. Did I tell you I could hear conversations from far away? He misses you. He fired two people while I watched him. He said they were incompetent. He's so angry. He even got a call from Edge. It sounds like Lionel and Edge know each other. I'm not surprised that your dad knows the biggest crime boss in the city. I bet they've had dealings. 

After I got bored of listening to Lionel talk, I went down to the garage. There wasn't anybody there. Maybe he fired security. I was so angry that I smashed Lionel's car, but it didn't make me feel any better. I should have smashed his head in. I'm going to get back at him somehow. I swear if I do anything, it will be to get revenge on that man. I hate him. He's caused nothing but grief for you and my family. He wants me. Because of his interest in the caves and the way he talked to me the last time I saw him, I can tell: he wants me.

I wonder how much he knows about me. I had better watch him. He could be a real danger.

 

25 June @ 02:12 pm

Last night I went out with the intent to drown myself in booze. I ran into Lucas. He's in my bed right now, still passed out from all the drinking he did. He's messed up over what's happened to Lex. I was surprised to see that he actually cared enough to make it to town for the memorial service. He's staying until Monday night, and then hitting the road. I'm letting him crash with me for today. 

Last night he really tied one on. We sat and talked about his brother. That was all he talked about. When he was really smashed, he told me that he really misses Lex. 

He was impressed that I had the balls to leave my perfect home. Sometimes things look perfect, but they really aren't. He should know that better than anybody, not that his family looks perfect even from the outside. 

This morning was interesting. He woke up in my arms. It was funny to watch him freak and yell that he's not a fag like his brother. Just the thought of being with Lucas makes me want to push him out the window, but I'll restrain myself because he's Lex's brother and Lex would not like me killing his brother. 

 

26 June @ 12:23 pm

I can keep blaming it on the ring, but I choose to put it back on each time. I do this because there's nothing left for me. I can't be that person Jor-El wants me to be. I can't take over the world. I won't do it. I can't be the person my parents want me to be, and I know now that I will never be the person for Lex. I say person, but I'm not really a person. I'm from Krypton. That's my home world and I was never human. 

I'm sorry, Lex. I wish things had been different. Now all I have left of you are the memories and the ring you gave me. 

I'll be at the memorial. I'll say good-bye to you and then I can move on. Maybe there will be peace, but I doubt it. I don't think I will ever be at peace as long as I live. 

I failed you, and I'm not who you thought I was. I'm a monster.

@ 07:53 pm

Maybe it's the grief talking, or whatever. 

I went out last night with James. I bought him a really nice expensive watch that I got for a steal. It caught my eye because it kind of looked like a wrist restraint. He was very appreciative of the gift. I wanted him to know that he means something to me. He knows I love somebody else. He doesn't mind. 

We were having a great time, kissing in a corner of the club, until Lucas showed up. He spoiled my fun. James looked unimpressed so he went off to dance and get drinks, and Lucas stuck around. I was a little annoyed, but what could I do? It's not like I could tell him to go away. I wasn't really in the mood for conversation. I just wanted to have some fun. I was surprised to see him at a gay club. He said he followed me. I should have been paying closer attention -- I didn't even notice. I've already been followed around so many times since I got to the city. I stopped paying attention. He was just another face in the crowd. 

He told me he knows about my real relationship with his brother. It's not like I hide my sexual preference. I don't have to here. Back home, I could never be the real me. Here, nobody tells me what to do. I can be myself. I can be my own man. I don't have to answer to anybody.

Then he pressed up against me and kissed me. His breath tasted of alcohol. He was drunk. I pushed him off of me, and reminded him that he was the one who said he wasn't a fag. It's not like I can blame him. He said that he wants everything his brother had. I told him his brother didn't own me. Then he stormed off like a big drama queen when I told him to fuck off.

I ended up going home with James, and I have no idea where Lucas went. I did look for him. James was really angry. He's so cute when he's mad. He saw Lucas kiss me. I tried to tell him it didn't mean anything. It worked in my favor, because we had a hot time last night. He was really jealous. It was fun. I got the most amazing blowjob and then I fucked him until he was too tired to do anything else.

 

27 June @ 01:26 pm

I just got back from the memorial service for Lex.

Everyone was there. Chloe and Lana were there with my parents. Lionel didn't look very pleased to see Lucas. He told Lucas not to make a scene, and then he walked away without listening to what Lucas had to say. Lucas said a few heartfelt words about Lex. At least I know for a fact Lucas meant everything he said. I should track him down and see how much longer he's planning on staying in town. Maybe he'll move to Smallville and take over the mansion. He did say something about wanting everything Lex had.

Martha saw me at the service. After that, there was no reason to stay any longer, so I left. It was so weird. When I was there, I could have sworn somebody was watching me. It was probably Lucas. He seems to have developed a knack for sneaking up on me.


End file.
